By
TheFerret
Oh wow.
Shit be cray, people. Shit be cray.
Today's news was like if a Tom Clancy novel fucked the notebook
where Hunter S. Thompson kept the ideas he thought were "too weird" on
top of a big stack of Frank Miller comics. Not the good ones, the
recent, shitty, super-racist ones.
We started with news of Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes recusing himself
from the Russia investigation. Word is, he was forced out by Paul Ryan
and the Shart House, not for being a stooge, but for being an
exceptionally shitty stooge. Like so many of the shitbags caught up in
this mess, he got caught in a number of easily disproven lies,
apparently used by a handful of morons in the executive branch to "leak"
information...back to the executive branch. Don't look at me brother,
figuring out why these people do the things we do is like hosting trivia
night in Arkham Asylum.
Anyhow, Nunes released a feeble little statement blaming "left wing
activists" or some such nonsense, which fell apart about thirteen seconds
later when it was revealed he was under investigation by the ethics
office (the same one the House GOP tried to drown quietly in the
outhouse out back while nobody was looking, remember that?) for
revealing classified information, for the TOTAL BULLSHIT REASON
that...he appears to have revealed classified information. Devin Nunes
was not built for high-stakes politics, friends. He was built solely
for the fucking of pigs.
And we celebrated Nunes' downfall for a hot ten minutes before we
realized he was just going to be replaced with stooges who wouldn't be
so obvious/stupid about being stooges, i.e. are less likely to call
dumb fuck press conferences where they entrap themselves for no
discernible reason beyond incurable idiocy. The new chair of the
investigating committee is some doorknob who said some shit about how
watching a Mexican Soap Opera is basically the same thing as
collaborating with a hostile foreign power to influence the American
Presidential election, I don't remember his name, look it up your own
damn self. (He will be assisted in his abuse of power by Trey Gowdy
Doody, he of the Hundred Years War, excuse me, the Benghazi
investigation. I would love to rewarded similarly for a history of
failure. In that scenario, my 0-for-the-entire-fucking-season in little
league would land me a multi-million dollar contract with the Yankees.)
Meanwhile the Senate went Nuclear, which, calm down, doesn't mean
what you were hoping it did. There was much hemming and hawing about
the ugliness of partisan politics by men and women who spent the day
facilitating the ugliness of partisan politics. In the left-wing media,
there was a masochistic joy in trudging up past quotes from Death Lord Of All Tortoises Mitch McConnell as proof of his hypocrisy. As if
hypocrisy bothers Mitch McConnell one bit.
Let me tell y'all something very important about Mitch McConnell: he
doesn't give a shit about anything but winning. He will gleefully tell
you on Monday that eating sandwiches is sinful, and then when you catch
him eating a big fat fucking reuben on Tuesday, he will laugh in your
face as you triumphantly point out his hypocrisy.
Laugh in your face,
kick you in the junk, steal your wallet, use your money to take your mom
out to dinner* and fuck her in your childhood bed, and it won't bother
him one tiny little bit because his job isn't "being consistent," his
job is "winning" and he won this one and yeah, fuck him, but it sucks
and now we just have to send his terrapin ass back to the minority for
the rest of his life so he can flail helplessly on his back while we
replace Clarence Thomas and Anthony Kennedy with Rachel Maddow maybe
Sarah Silverman.
*Where he orders another sandwich because fuck you that's why.
In the background there's another wave of stories about Shart House
infighting. People are screaming "CUCK" at each other, Bannon's down,
demoted from the National Security Council, and Kushner's up, apparently
single-handedly responsible for 87% of the executive branch's duties.
Why does a kid whose resume reads "got daddy's money when daddy went to
jail, bought a newspaper and wrecked it" get so much responsibility?
Well, because our idiot president has mad respect for the dude who gets
to do the one thing he's ever wanted that he can't do, (NUDGE NUDGE FUCK
HIS DAUGHTER) and therefore he's in charge of China and peace in the
Middle East and reforming the government and Veterans affairs and The
Vending Machines in the West Wing Don't Have Zagnuts Can We Get Some
Fucking Zagnuts in There Jared and god knows what else.
And we maybe breathe a sigh of relief that Bannon's role in the
administration is diminishing because this is a man who boos the ending
of Schindler's List, but then you realize that the GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED GODDAMN STATES is only swinging from white supremacy to
nepotism, and you wonder why he doesn't think, "Hey, maybe try somebody
with some relevant experience?" And you know that once Kushner makes a
mess of everything, Il Douche is just gonna turn to Gordon Ramsey or
that One Girl Who Yells at Baristas in Chicago to run the government for
him.
And at this point in the day, you're getting a bit overwhelmed, so
maybe you don't notice that the Yokel, I mean "Attorney" General, our
President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard, has decided to take himself a
long leisurely look at all them police abuse settlements arrived at
under those colored folks who previously held his office. To Ol'
Beauregard, decades of rampant police abuse? Why, that ain't nuthin'
atawl, an' if an unarmed black fellah gets shot every couple weeks or so
in Baltimore, well, that's jus' the price of law and orduh, don' ya
see, and honestly, what's one more or less black fellah, am I right?
By now, the madness has started to settle in. You're seriously
thinking rubbing cake frosting all over your otherwise naked body and
running around downtown throwing poop and screaming. Maybe you catch a
few human interest stories. About Rachel Dolezal going to South Africa
to talk about "racial transitioning." About a shocking number of iPhone
users desiring a sexual relationship with Siri. About somebody making
beer that tastes like Cap'n Crunch. (All of this really happened, I
swear to you.)
And in the background you start to see more and more stories about
Dorito Mussolini thinking about maybe starting a War of His Very Own in
Syria.
And we learn that the Shart Administration is trying to force
twitter to reveal (ahem, UNMASK HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH OH GOD THE IRONY) of
an anonymous user who has been criticizing them, which is a
not-at-all-terrifying police state move, oh wait. And we find our the
CIA was sounding alarm bells on the Russian interference/possible
collaboration LAST SUMMER but somehow James Comey only thought the
American people needed to know that Anthony Weiner's personal laptop
may've contained the name, location, favorite color and Most
Embarrassing High School Moment of every undercover agent in the world.
And we even had a quick laugh at Spraytan Zartan bragging about having
had the best first thirteen weeks in human history...eleven weeks into
his term.
And then things were quiet for a couple hours.
And then the missiles started flying.
Without seeking authorization from congress, without consulting
allies, without a strong/competent state department to give advice,
without civilian leadership in the defense department, without a single
voice in the executive branch any rational human being would consider
qualified to weigh in on a decision so large, a military strike on a
foreign government backed by Iran and Russia was ordered and executed.
And nobody seems to know what, precisely, is going on, what the
long-term plan might be (SPOILERZ, there totally isn't one.). McCain and
Graham are jubilant of course, nothing delights that duo quite so much
as other people's children dying. Some folks are talking about regime
change, but it doesn't seem like anybody thought making those kind of
decisions was important before pushing the button.
There's a lot we don't know right now. If there were significant
civilian casualties (a distressingly irrelevant factor to the military
under the Shart Administration), if more strikes are coming, if there
were Russian nationals on the base we hit. What happens next. And yes,
in the background you wonder how much of the decision was made to
distract the American populace from domestic scandals...nearly every
president of my lifetime has played that card.
I confess I'm worried. Our President, as we've learned, doesn't
know Shit about Shit, doesn't know what he doesn't know, doesn't care
that he doesn't know, and, importantly, is infinitely persuadable. He
blindly followed Bannon into the travel ban debacle, and Ryan into the
health care clusterfuck. Why? Because he doesn't know Shit about Shit,
and anybody who kisses his ass and tells him what a Big Boy With Big
Strong Hands he is can, we have seen time and again, manipulate him into
doing whatever they want him to do.
And when it comes to war? Wow. Bannon's an apocalyptic lunatic.
Tillerson is hopelessly out of his depth. Mattis seems well-intentioned
enough, but don't forget that there is a reason why we don't put
generals in charge of the defense department, and Mattis needed a waiver
to be confirmed in the first place. Priebus is sniveling toady with no
stature on this turf. Kushner also doesn't know shit about shit, and
early indications are that the brass is manipulating him, and like his
father-in-law I don't credit him with the brains to understand he's
being manipulated. The institutional GOP defers to McCain and Graham on
matters of war, and again those two sprinkle the blood of young men on
their breakfast cereal whenever the opportunity presents itself. And
Pence of course is a hairshirt-wearing religious fanatic who'll play the
role of Crusader with a crazed grin on his face.
Basically we have a bunch of malicious fools making these decisions.
I wish I could find a way to laugh at all this, but I can't. Heaven
help us all.
