Showing posts with label Funny Shit. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny Shit. Show all posts

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Trump's Head Will Spin 360 Degrees Over Lawyers

Lawrence O'Donnell reports that the law firm representing Trump in the Michael Cohen legal proceedings is led by two lawyers who called for the appointment of a special counsel after Trump fired James Comey.

Former federal prosecutor Harry Litman predicts how Donald Trump will react when he learns the leaders of the law firm representing him in the Cohen case asked Rod Rosenstein to appoint a special counsel after Trump fired James Comey. Ruth Marcus and Jonathan Capehart join.

James Comey You Big Dumb Dickhead

Posted by Rude One

When It Comes to Hillary Clinton, Oh, Just Fuck Right Off, James Comey

If I've said it before, I've said it a million got-damn times. If you didn't support Hillary Clinton because you believed in any of the made-up "scandals" from her career, from Vince Foster's "murder" to Emails of Doom to pizza pedophilia, you were the bitch of Fox "news" and the entire conservative machine that had created a narrative about Clinton that you bought into. I am not Breitbart's bitch, so I could put that aside and just consider her based on her positions and policies. (I'm not talking to anyone who didn't vote for Clinton because you disagreed with her or because you couldn't get over whatever the fuck you think happened with Bernie, which is its own kind of conspiracy theory, and, no, I don't give a shit about whatever you wanna say about that. It's very nice you believe that.)

And whatever you wanna say about why Hillary Clinton lost - bad candidate, didn't campaign in this or that state, grrr-Wall Street, grrr-war - one thing that cannot be denied is that much of the nation (although, you know, not a majority) did become the bitches of that conservative machine that runs a thrusting piston pounding the asses of the electorate with a dildo marked "Hillary=evil" or "Hillary=corrupt" and "any association with Hillary means you are evil and corrupt, too." Republicans counted on enough people gladly bending over to receive this fucking .

What we've learned now is that the former director of the FBI, James Comey, was also grabbing his ankles. In an interview with NPR's Morning Edition today, part of his "James Comey is gonna make a fuck-ton of cash" tour, Comey was questioned about why he made a statement about the conclusions of the FBI's investigation into Clinton's email server in July 2016. He admits, as he implies in his book, Higher Royalties...I mean, Loyalty, that, at least in part, he was influenced by the noise of cable news over things like Bill Clinton's visit to then Attorney General Loretta Lynch's plane on the tarmac in June 2016.

Comey says to the idea of resisting that noise, "[A] reasonable person might have done that. I think that would have been a mistake, because again it wasn't just what had happened that last week of June, it was a collection of things that led me to conclude that the general public would have serious doubts about the integrity of the Obama administration's decision to close an investigation of Hillary Clinton without transparency, given those things that had happened." And he goes on to say that he thinks that had he not spoken in July or released the letter to Congress about the "new" emails (which turned out to be nothing) discovered on Huma Abedin's computer, "I think the institutions would have been in worse shape had we done the normal thing" and not commented.

Comey told ABC's George Stephanopoulos's hair that he assumed, like everyone pretty much did, that Clinton was going to win and that, in some way, he was doing the right thing in releasing that letter because "If you conceal the fact that you have restarted the Hillary Clinton email investigation, not in some silly way but in a very, very important way that may lead to a different conclusion, what will happen to the institutions of justice when that comes out? Especially, given the world we're operating in, when Hillary Clinton's elected president? She'll be an illegitimate president, but these organizations will never recover from that."

Let's put aside the hypocrisy of Comey saying he needed to release something about these new emails, even though nothing at all had been found in them of any interest, while saying that he didn't say anything about the Trump investigation because it hadn't found anything definite yet. Let's put aside for a moment the idea of balance, that if he was gonna say a fuckin' word about any investigations of Clinton, he had an obligation to balance that with information about Trump so the American people had the full picture. Put that aside.

Instead, let's tell James Comey to just fuck right off on this. Because he might be this great and mighty public servant and FBI director, but Comey doesn't know jackshit about the very machine that's behind him, fucking him in the ass. If Clinton had won, it wouldn't have mattered if Jesus himself walked into Congress and said, "She didn't do shit." Republicans would have gone nuclear because that's the only way to justify all the Clinton hatred they based their entire election strategy on. Fox "news" would have been 24/7 on emails and every other stupid thing they could fan into a bullshit controversy. Shit, it's practically that now and Clinton ain't even president. It's all they know.

Comey thinks his gestures prevented an erosion of faith in institutions and in a potential President Clinton? You goddamned fool, these motherfuckers had over a half-dozen investigations of Benghazi because when one said, "Nope, it's all good. Sad, but good," they immediately had another going. And as for institutions, Republicans don't give a sad turtle shit about institutions. Do you think the assholes who had just prevented President Obama from making a Supreme Court choice out of pure spite and political fuckery would think twice about wrecking any agency that got in their way?

You big, dumb dickhead, the only thing that was standing between your precious institutions and their dismantling or complete politicization was the fact that a Democrat was president. Clinton would have prevented most of the shit that's happening now to the Justice Department. But you fucked it, Jim Comey.

You fucked it, and your specious fucking book tour won't unfuck it. At least own that shit. Stop saying you wouldn't have done anything differently. That just makes you another idiot who won't learn from the past.

But, then again, we should always remember: You are a Republican.

(Note: Goddamnit, I want to stop talking about the 2016 election. But we keep getting dragged back into it, like it's a cave we climb out of and then the trolls drag us back in, kicking and screaming.)

Thursday, April 12, 2018

Paul Ryan Is The Worst House Speaker Ever

Lawrence O'Donnell argues Paul Ryan earned that title through unprecedented and unrelenting cowardice and by surrendering his powers to the Trump residency.

Wednesday, April 11, 2018

Furious Republican Congressman Calls Trump A 'Motherfucker' In Conversation With Conservative Pundit

"He’s just a fucking idiot who thinks he’s winning when people are bitching about him."

Finding Pleasure In The World Starting To Collapse On Trump

Posted by Rude One

Resident Donald Trump, an angry, rotten tangerine on top of a sack of dead hogs, spoke out yesterday about FBI raid of the home, office, and hotel room (whuh?) of his lawyer, Michael Cohen. You might know Cohen as "That motherfucker? Fuck him." Cohen is like Roy Cohn except less charming in the same way that a rabid bear is less charming than a cobra.

Speaking before he surrounded himself with military leaders to pretend to be their commander, Trump went off on Special Counsel Robert Mueller and anyone who wasn't a citizen of Trump World before the filthy swamp of Washington, DC tainted their virgin white garments. "So I just heard that they broke into the office of one of my personal attorneys," Trump started, ignoring the fact that "they" is actually "we," as in employees of the Justice Department and thus the federal government. "I have this witch hunt constantly going on for over 12 months now — and actually, much more than that. You could say it was right after I won the nomination, it started," he continued. You want to tell him about the Benghazi investigations? Or that for years he accused President Obama of being born in another country? Bitch, shit's just getting good. We're not even at the climax yet.

The raid was bullshit, Trump said. "[I]t’s a disgrace. It’s, frankly, a real disgrace. It’s an attack on our country, in a true sense. It’s an attack on what we all stand for." The idea that a search warrant, signed off on by a judge and handled by a Trump-appointed US Attorney, is an "attack on our country" means that Trump couldn't give a happy monkey fuck about our country except in how much l'etat c'est Trump.

He was on a ranting tear. He attacked the investigators, calling them all "Democrats or a couple of Republicans that worked for President Obama." He wondered why no Hillary: "[T]hey’re not looking at the Hillary Clinton — the horrible things that she did and all of the crimes that were committed. They’re not looking at all of the things that happened that everybody is very angry about, I can tell you, from the Republican side, and I think even the independent side."

Think about that for a second. He wants to know why they're not investigating someone who isn't in government anymore, who was thoroughly investigated, and about whom an investigation is still percolating even though there isn't a goddamn thing to investigate except how stolen emails got to the Trump campaign. But, mostly, think about how disgustingly self-pitying that is. "Why aren't you looking into this thing the man on the TV told me is bad when he told me I am good?" Trump is saying. "Why you no believe man in TV? I like man in TV. And other man in TV. And pretty lady in TV."

Then the mental breakdown of the cornered rat started to occur as his brain just started to dump shit in random bursts of words. Seriously, this is the resident of the goddamn United States, and he's like a skeevy john trying to explain to cops that they shouldn't arrest him when there are murderers out there: "[T]hey don’t even bother looking. And the other side is where there are crimes, and those crimes are obvious. Lies, under oath, all over the place. Emails that are knocked out, that are acid-washed and deleted. Nobody has ever seen — 33,000 emails are deleted after getting a subpoena for Congress, and nobody bothers looking at that."

Goddamn, you want this to be more satisfying, doncha? Shouldn't we be rejoicing a bit, texting our friends gifs of people saying, "Nice" or "Oh, hell, yeah." Except for every little bit of celebration, we think, "But what if, after all this, the dickhole gets away with it?" For every delicious bit of schadenfreude, we wonder how long it'll take to clean up the shitpile he'll leave behind. Yeah, it's stomach-churning and hard to find pleasurable.

And yet...

"The F.B.I. agents who raided the office of Resident Trump’s personal lawyer on Monday were looking for records about payments to two women who claim they had affairs with Mr. Trump, and information related to the publisher of The National Enquirer’s role in silencing one of the women." That's right. According to the New York Times, the raid was about Trump's wandering dick and everything his pathetic thug-wannabe lawyer tried to do to shut women up about his dick.

So while Trump was ranting about "They found no collusion whatsoever with Russia. The reason they found it is there was no collusion at all. No collusion," the Southern District of New York, led by a Rudy Giuliani crony, had the FBI tear up Cohen's shit because of suspicion that Trump and Cohen were lying about something to do with Trump's adulterous dick. Russia may have little to do with this particular raid.

So Donald Trump may end up being crushed by walls made of pussy.

Michael Cohen may be wrecked by women he and his boss tried to wreck.

Ah, there it is. There's that satisfaction I was looking for.

Monday, March 12, 2018

The thing that ate America's brain

Kiss My Rump, Donald Trump

Words and music by Sandy and Richard Riccardi

Buy it now! copyright 2016

Give the white supremacists a nod Tell the Christian right that you found God Take away the women’s rights we’ve had for fifty years Hang out with the Ku Klux Klan, then crucify the queers Build a wall to keep the for’ners out Tell a Californian there’s no drought That leaves one thing more before we’re through One little thing from me, for you to do Kiss My Rump, Donald Trump I’d never vote for you Not if you were the last man standing Kiss My Rump Donald Trump Your winning days are through Your ass, to you, we will be handing Lie about the businesses you’ve sold Leave your wives before they get too old Go learn your Scottish history, you silly billionaire Admit you can’t buy everything as proved by your bad hair Talk of women like they’re pigs and whores State they’re only useful on all fours Use Mick Jagger’s music till you’re sued But here’s one little task you must include Kiss My Rump, Donald Trump I’d never vote for you Not if you were the last man standing Kiss My Rump Donald Trump Your winning days are through Your ass to you we will be handing I’ll try to be succincter But your mouth looks like a sphincter Your squinty eyes reveal to me A narcissistic personality Your tiny sausage fingers are Too small to hold your fat cigar I’d put a handsome Muslim man before your nasty fake spray tan Tell McCain he’s not a war hero After all, why not? You didn’t go Tell me how you plan to carpet bomb the innocents Tell me you can run the country with noexperience Flush the Grand Old Party down the drain Have a bromance with Vladimir Pu-tain Summon all the bigots in the country from their caves Is this the way a president behaves? Kiss My Rump, Donald Trump I’d never vote for you Not if you were the last man standing Kiss My Rump Donald Trump Your winning days are through Your ass to you we will be handing

Thursday, January 18, 2018

HYPOCRITES!!! Family Values Republicans Silent As Donald Trump Pays Porn Stars Hush Money

In this ‘Dollemore Daily’, Jesse addresses the reporting surrounding the $130,000 payment that was allegedly paid to porn actress Stephanie Clifford (Stormy Daniels), by Donald Trump, in an effort to keep her silent about their 2006 affair.

Saturday, December 30, 2017

A List Of Some Of Donald Trump's Worst And Most Embarrassing Lowlights From 2017!

In this ‘Dollemore Daily’ Jesse takes a look back at Donald Trump's 2017, which proved to be embarrassing and regrettable. This is IN NO WAY a comprehensive list.

Sunday, December 24, 2017

The Great Grovel Of 2017: Republicans Declare Trump Their King

Posted by Rude One

If I were the greatest fuck-genie with the biggest dick and a tongue so dexterous that anteaters get jealous, I'd be fuckin' embarrassed if my lovers kept telling me how awesome I am, how they've never squirted or vibrated with such intensity, how "exquisite" my abilities are. Hell, in reality, I'm not half-bad in the sack (as far as middle-aged men go), but, even so, I don't want every guy and gal who ever had a great rude ride to walk up to a microphone and announce that their sexual satisfaction is only due to my mad skillz. I mean, Jesus, how pathetic must you be to need that kind of ego stroke? Send me an Edible Arrangement or something.

Then again, I'm not Donald Trump, who still remains our goddamn resident. Apparently, Trump is the kind of lay who needs to be told constantly that his tiny prick is huge, that his fumbling fingers are hitting the g-spot, and that your moans aren't cries of pain, but of ecstasy. In the span of a little over 4 hours, two groups of grown men and women prostrated themselves before Trump and told him how he gave them screaming orgasms.

In the afternoon, at an event that could have been called "Republicans Dance On Your Grave," Trump and congressional leaders celebrated the passage of the tax bill that, at a minimum, will fuck us while we're dry. But Senator after House member freely walked up to the microphone to praise their godhead Trump.

Senate Majority Leader Mitch "I Always Look Like Someone Surprised Me by Sticking Something in My Asshole and I Don't Know How to Feel About It" McConnell gushed like a slobbering hyena, "This has been a year of extraordinary accomplishment for the Trump administration" before listing those accomplishments, which have been listed a million fucking times before by Trump himself.

Savage creep Paul Ryan praised Trump's "exquisite presidential leadership," as if using "exquisite" to describe anything about Trump isn't a hate crime on language.

Rep. Diane Black of one of the dumbest areas of Tennessee really said, "Thank you, President Trump, for allowing us to have you as our President and to make America great again." That's porn shit right there. "Thank you for letting me suck your cock" isn't any filthier than what Black said.

There were more, but let's end with Sen. Orrin Hatch of Utah, whose picture is shown to Mormon teenagers whenever they are tempted to masturbate, who threatened, "This is just the beginning. If you stop and think about it, this resident hasn’t even been in office for a year, and look at all the things that he’s been able to get done." And then he saw Trump's presidency as proof that "God loves this country." Up in heaven, God rolled his eyes and made a jack-off gesture.

As for Vice-President Mike Pence, who must drink Trump's semen as a protein supplement, no words from the effusive, humiliating praise he said could make the point more than this image from the angle Fox "news" had while Pence was speaking at a morning cabinet meeting.

What a fucking degrading display for the entire nation. Goddamn, Trump must have some serious shit on these people. Or they are just groveling tools. Or both. Either way, this was a coronation moment. They have declared Trump their king, immaculate and omnipotent, and they his loyal subjects. There are no checks now. And the world is out of balance.

Wednesday, December 20, 2017

Support For Donald Trump's Impeachment Is Higher Than His Reelection Chances

Source: Newsweek Magazine

BY SAM SCHWARZ ON 12/20/17 AT 9:18 AM

Donald Trump is hemorrhaging support among the American people, and now more than 40 percent of Americans think it's time to start the process to impeach him, a new poll finds. The number is higher than the percentage of Americans who said they planned to vote for the current resident in the 2020 election.

The NBC News/Wall Street Journal survey, out Wednesday, carried very little good news for the resident and put him on notice that close to half of Americans believe there is enough for Congress to hold impeachment hearings even before the conclusion of special counsel Robert Mueller's investigation. The poll found that 70 percent of Democrats, 40 percent of Independents and even seven percent of Republicans are in favor of Congress holding hearings to remove the resident from office.

The number calling for impeachment proceedings to get underway closely parallels the 38 percent of Americans who believe Trump colluded with Russia to win the 2016 president election.

The White House has both publicly and privately suggested that Mueller's investigation will come to an end early in the new year, but that would appear to be wishful thinking. Recent reports have instead indicated that Mueller and his team could be working at least through the midterm elections in 2018 and possibly even beyond.

Read more:

Thursday, December 14, 2017

CRINGE: Jake Tapper Interviews The Dumbest Roy Moore Spokesperson Ever

In a truly remarkable interview on Tuesday, CNN’s Jake Tapper spoke with Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore’s spokesman Ted Crockett in an interview that ended with a lengthy and uncomfortable silence about whether lawmakers have to swear an oath on the Christian Bible.

In this Majority Report clip, we watch Roy Moore spokesperson and Shelby County commissioner Ted Crockett appear on CNN with Jake Tapper to discuss swearing on the bible.

Wednesday, December 13, 2017

‘I Think Bannon Made An Ass Of Himself’: Republicans Rejoice In Breitbart Chief’s Alabama Humiliation

Roy Moore lost the election on Tuesday night. But some Republicans were thrilled that the defeat left a stain on his main backer.

Roy Moore wasn’t the only loser Tuesday night. He might not have even been the biggest one.

The Alabama Republican’s stunning defeat at the hands of Democrat Doug Jones dealt a crushing blow to the nascent political operation helmed by former White House chief strategist Steve Bannon, who threw every ounce of his political muscle behind Moore’s candidacy, even as many national Republicans, save President Donald Trump, rushed to distance themselves following the emergence of sexual assault and child molestation allegations against Moore.

Bannon headlined rallies for Moore, enlisted allies in a political effort to boost his candidacy, and marshalled his website, Breitbart News, to Moore’s defense against those misconduct allegations—and in an effort to discredit the former state supreme court justice’s accusers—with at least one top Breitbart staffer spending the last month of the race in-state. And when it was all said and done, with Jones claiming triumph, the Bannon critics (and there are many) took the chance to dance on his grave.

“Bannon is like so many people that get involved in politics. They work on their first race, their person wins, and they think people voted for them,” said Stu Stevens, the former top strategist to Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign. As part of his closing argument supporting Moore’s campaign, Bannon had made bashing Romney a rhetorical centerpiece.

“I think Bannon made an ass of himself [tonight],” Stevens added. “Be wary of the angry millionaire.”

Whether the Breitbart chief is actually buried will be determined in the days and weeks ahead.

Bannon is not known to be easily humbled and a source close to him simply said that he and his associates were “stunned” by the results of the evening.

They were also busy figuring out the moves ahead, including laying the blame on establishment Republicans for ditching Moore in the midst of his scandals. Though Jones’ margin exceeded 1.5% of all votes cast with all precincts reporting, Moore refused to concede the race. The margin is far above the 0.5% threshold that triggers an automatic recount in Alabama, but secretary of state John Merrill said on Tuesday evening that any candidate can request a recount as long as the candidate himself pays for it.

The overwhelming likelihood that Jones would be seated could well spark a tectonic shift within the GOP, strategists said on Tuesday. They equated it to Scott Brown’s surprise Senate victory in Massachusetts in 2010, which proved to be a political turning point in a young Barack Obama administration.

As in that moment, Tuesday night’s ramifications for the current president could prove profound.

Dispensing with the concerns of some of his advisers and family members, Trump decided to forcefully boost Moore’s candidacy in the final weeks. He specifically touted it as a means of helping move forward his governing agenda, which now finds itself more in peril.

White House officials told The Daily Beast earlier on Tuesday that the president kept tabs on the race in his residence in the White House. When he finally weighed in just after 11 PM, Trump’s response was uncharacteristically muted.

“Congratulations to Doug Jones on a hard fought victory,” the president wrote on Twitter. “The write-in votes played a very big factor, but a win is a win. The people of Alabama are great, and the Republicans will have another shot at this seat in a very short period of time. It never ends!”

One senior Trump aide stressed early Tuesday that Trump would take a Jones upset “very, very” hard—not least, the aide said, because it would rob the president of the ability to goad his predecessor, Barack Obama, over getting involved on Jones’s behalf. (Obama didn’t touch the race until its final days, when he put out a robocall on behalf of the Democratic contender).

As much as he would have been a governing ally for the president, Moore was also an avatar for a distinctively Trump-era style of politics. Bannon in particular, considered Moore a leader of his crusade against the Republican establishment in Washington, and against Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) specifically. When Moore prevailed in a primary challenge to Sen. Luther Strange in September, Bannon allies were sure to point the finger directly at McConnell, who, they said, was so disliked in the state as to make his endorsement a poison pill.
McConnell allies were sure to reciprocate the sentiment in the wake of a massive upset that brought the Republican margin in the Senate down to just a single vote.

“Steve Bannon has done more for Democrats than they could’ve ever thought possible,” said Josh Holmes, McConnell’s former chief of staff. ”Bannon displayed an absolutely breathtaking display of political incompetence that will go down in the annals of history for every Republican to mourn for generations.”

Though McConnell allies squarely blamed Bannon for the loss, it was the Senate Leadership Fund, a McConnell-allied super PAC, that helped pave the way for Moore’s primary victory. The group spent significant sums hammering Rep. Mo Brooks, a conservative House member perceived as a likely threat to Strange’s incumbency. Moore, on the other hand, was seen as an easy target for Strange in a head-to-head primary runoff. But Moore prevailed, and his faults proved deadly in a general election.

SLF stayed out of the general election contest, and other prominent arms of the Republican political machine did the same. The National Republican Senatorial Committee, which withdrew from a joint fundraising pact with Moore in the wake of his sexual misconduct allegations, quickly—if perhaps fancifully—attempted to capitalize on that stance by immediately courting Jones’s vote once it became clear he’d prevail.

“Tonight’s results are clear—the people of Alabama deemed Roy Moore unfit to serve in the U.S. Senate,” said NRSC chairman Cory Gardner in a statement. “I hope Senator-elect Doug Jones will do the right thing and truly represent Alabama by choosing to vote with the Senate Republican Majority.”

Bannon and his anti-establishment allies, several of whom traveled to Alabama for what they expected would be a Tuesday night victory party, had been feeling incredibly optimistic about Moore’s chances right up until the race’s sudden shift, around 10 p.m. ET, in Jones’s direction.

"I'm feeling pretty good about it,” Corey Stewart, former chairman of the Trump campaign in Virginia and failed gubernatorial candidate, told The Daily Beast on Tuesday afternoon. Stewart said he would leave the Yellowhammer State on Wednesday.

“People can see through this attempt by Washington elites to try to pick the next senator from Alabama, and they don't like it,” he continued. “I’m talking about Mitch McConnell, and Condi Rice, and Cory Gardner. Naturally, people resent that.”

Still, Stewart felt there was something to worry about, even as he predicted Moore’s imminent triumph that never came.

“The reason I'm here is when the establishment is done with Roy Moore, they're going to try to crush me and any other anti-establishment, pro-Trump candidates for U.S. Senate and for Congress,” he said. “So I'm here for solidarity. They're gonna try to pick us off one by one, so we gotta stick together, man.”

If the messaging emerging out of the so-called Republican establishment on Tuesday night is any indication, Stewart has a point. Insurgent and Bannon-aligned forces in Trump’s GOP now find themselves playing defense in an ongoing civil conflict.

Thursday, November 23, 2017

Trump Is So Dumb That His Own Economic Adviser Escaped A Call With Him By Faking A Bad Connection

In this ‘Dollemore Daily’ Jesse addresses the story told by Senator Tom Carper about when Gary Cohn hung up on a call with Donald Trump, after faking bad cell reception.