By TheFerret
Well folks, while not quite up to standards of some of the more chaotic
trips around the sun since the Marmalade Shartcannon took office, I hope
everyone invested in fertilizer manufacturers, because today was
another Bat Guano Nutty Day.
We all woke up and immediately checked in on that deleted scene from
V FOR VENDETTA where the guy gets bloodied in the process of being
dragged off an airplane by law enforcement for refusing to give up his
seat when the airline wanted to give it to an employee on an overbooked
flight after he'd already boarded.
Wait, what? That was real life? You're shitting me.
Anyhow, we all watched in awe as the brass at United took the, shall
we say "novel" approach of blaming the dude they had the cops beat the
shit out of for the ass-kicking they ordered to be administered to him.
In the background, maybe you saw some of the pieces that rounded up
the responses to a PRIVATE FUCKING CORPORATION ENLISTING TAXPAYER FUNDED
LAW ENFORCEMENT TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT A PRIVATE CITIZEN BECAUSE THEY
APPARENTLY RESERVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO TAKE BACK THE SEAT YOU PAID FOR AT
ANY POINT PROBABLY UP TO AND INCLUDING THIRTY THOUSAND FEET ABOVE THE
ROCKIES HOW THE FUCK DID WE LET IT COME TO THIS from supporters of the
man we all pay to golf and periodically sign executive orders, and,
surprise surprise, THEY TOOK THE AIRLINE'S SIDE. We didn't know just
how much hunger there was in this country for a strong, sadistic,
authoritarian state, did we? In related news, I'm launching a
kickstarter to fund a series of dominatrix parlors in the Rust Belt.
HILLBILLY ELEGY PART TWO, BITCHES.
Of course the same little Shartkins are apparently flocking to Bill
O'Reilly's show, actually BOOSTING his ratings in the midst of the
revelations that Fox has settled a number of sexual harassment suits
against an old man who very clearly has to pay for sex. I tell you,
folks, the Deplorable economy offers a number of unique opportunities.
It's like "Well, I'm looking for someone to redo the shingles on my
roof, but I'm hoping to hire somebody reprehensible. Do you have any
multiple rapists on staff?"
And we all had a laugh that the congressman who is famous for
screaming YOU LIE at President Obama going home to a town hall where a
bunch of his constituents screamed YOU LIE at him, which has a fun sense
of comeuppance to it. This congressman likely has a name, but I don't
give a flying fuck what it is.
We learned that the Shart may have bombed Syria (or at least some
useless gravel in Syria, since the Syrian military launched strikes from
the base we bombed less than 24 hours after we hit it, can't these
people even blow up a stationary target without fucking it up?) because
his daughter told him to, which is a totally normal thing that happens
in all developed countries with strong constitutional democracies. OR
IS IT? Maybe Ivanka will get equally upset at all the children who were
killed in the recent Mosul air strike or the botched Yemen raid, and
Dorito Mussolini will order a strike on the perpetrators, without
realizing exactly what he's done until the sandtrap on the 8th hole at
Marmalago gets an unplanned expansion.
The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard, our Yokel General,
was all over the news again today. A couple of days back, he made it
clear that he didn't want our Justice Department focusin' on no civil
rights, and today he ordered them to instead focus all available
energies on punishing brown-skinned people for the high crime of not
being white. Much was made of how his prepared remarks used the word
"filth" to describe his preferred targets, but how he declined to
actually call them "filth" in the delivering of the speech. Because
that's the state of the immigration debate in American today, right?
Whether or not we call our fellow human beings "filth." Anyhow,
Sessions got a good sturdy taint punt today when a federal judge struck
down Texas' super-racist voter ID law just for being ridiculously
super-racist. Because we still have to argue about poll taxes. In the
United States of America. In the 21st century. Sleep tight. By the
end of the day, Ol' Beauregard was assurin' the press that the cawngruss
would mos' happily make Americuhns pay for that big 'ol border wall,
because...well, because there's no reading test to run for the Senate in
Alabama, I guess. After giving his last interview, Sessions returned
to chewin' on an old shoe by the fireplace.
Rex Tillerson, who is our Secretary of State because he's a rich guy
who...(shit, man, I need Mad Libs to finish that sentence because I've
never found one halfway compelling reason this Oil Stooge was made our
top diplomat) made some headlines by wondering aloud "Why should U.S.
taxpayers be interested in Ukraine?" I'll tell ya, Rex, there are a lot
of reasons American taxpayers don't want to see the world on fire, at
the very least we should understand that we can't sell PAUL BLART: MALL
COP DVDs to residents of a war-torn wasteland. (This was probably the
moment the day tipped officially into madness for me. Just one year
ago, a mind-bogglingly asinine statement like this from our chief
diplomat would've been headline news, a major international scandal.
Today, you probably didn't even notice it. It was on page twelve. You
did the crossword, read your Garfield, and moved on.)
And then ALONG CAME SPICEY. Sean Spicer rode into the White House
Press Room on a steam shovel and declared "today I will dig myself into
the deepest hole in human history, and before the sun sets not even
Jules Verne will be able to find me," and Sweet Christ did he deliver.
The lead spokesman for the President of the greatest nation on Earth
stood in front of the assembled media of the world and engaged in some
light Holocaust denial ON FUCKING PASSOVER and for a minute we were all
like "Of course he did, this is just what life is like now," but after a
second we realized this was crazy shit even by our ever-plummeting
standards. And poor Spicey squirmed and shifted, issuing clarifications
that got edited every eleven seconds (no, I mean Hitler didn't kill his
own people, he just killed Jews, NO WAIT, I mean he didn't gas innocent
people NO WAIT I mean he gassed innocent people he just didn't drop gas
on them, he invited them to HOLOCAUST CENTERS and we all have to thank
him for introducing "Holocaust Center" to the culture lexicon, right?).
And we all laughed until he issued an apology which is what any normal
human being would do immediately, without hesitation, if they FUCKING
DENIED THE HOLOCAUST ON PASSOVER.
Just when the madness was starting to take over, right when you're
thinking about how you'd look with half a pound of pickled beets stapled
to your face, WaPo breaks the story that the FBI obtained a FISA
warrant to surveil Carter Page, a foreign policy advisor to Toupee
Fiasco's (That one's not mine, but it's good, isn't it?) campaign. And
then you noticed that WAIT HOLD ON WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY? A lot of
wacky terms have been thrown around over the last few months, like
"emoluments" and "Defending World Champion Chicago Cubs," but this is
what the poet would call a Big Fucking Deal. You have to demonstrate to
a FISA court that there is PROBABLE FUCKING CAUSE to believe that a
dude is acting as a FUCKING AGENT OF A FOREIGN FUCKING POWER to get one
of these things. And Carter Page, he of the Steele Dossier, he who was
cultivated as an unwitting asset by Russian intelligence not so long
ago, passed the test. Drip drip.
Before you even finished that article, you got your CNN push
notification (God bless this era in which our news outlets compete to
scoop one another with stories that undermine the Clowncar Full of
Assholes that governs us) for the story showing that Devin "Pigfucker"
Nunes essentially made his whole bullshit story up, between the fucking
of various pigs. The CNN story featured a few quotes from Sebastian
Gorka, which is surprising since his face melted off during the climax
of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.
By the end of the day, Bill O'Reilly announced that he was going on a
vacation for a spell, which was totally planned all along and has
nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that so many advertisers have
ditched him that he has to shorten his show and broadcast ads from
companies that convert your MP3 files into 8-track tapes and offer to
take care of your pets after you've been raptured. Anyway, Bill
O'Reilly's gonna go somewhere quiet and focus on just sexually harassing
Bill O'Reilly for awhile, know what I mean?
And then SCROTUS made some surprisingly negative comments about
Steve Bannon in an interview, downplaying his role in the campaign and
suggesting he might not be around much longer. My Shart House sources
tell me that upon hearing this news, Bannon shrieked and expelled ink on
several aides through previously-undisclosed orifices.
Meanwhile there was a special election in Kansas' Fourth
Congressional District to fill the seat vacated by Mike Pompeo, who left
it to join the Dick Tracy rogue's gallery known as our President's
cabinet. Despite being one of the safest GOP seats in the country, the
Democratic candidate threatened to pull off an upset. How red is this
district? Before Pompeo won the seat, Kansas' Fourth was represented
for seven terms by a VHS copy of BEDTIME FOR BONZO (look it up). Anyhow,
the republican won, but by a shockingly low margin, and folks, if a
Berniecrat can get within 8 of getting a house seat in Wichita, KS,
where it's illegal to make eye contact with a member of the opposite sex
without a permission slip signed by at least 9 apostles, then we need
to pour money into the upcoming special elections in Montana and
Georgia, and the midterms are gonna be Little Bighorn 2.0.
There's more. There's really more. They're still engaged in a
dick-measuring contest with North Korea, and trying to pass some version
of their Let's All Murder the Poor, excuse me "Health Care" bill, and
they're even fucking up the Easter Egg Roll (google it, seriously) but I
am now tired, you're on your own.
In the end...shit be cray, folks. Shit be cray.
This post was brought to you by Big Earl's Holocaust Center and
Water Park! Come on down to Big Earl's for all your Holocaust needs!
Ten dollars off with specially marked Pepsi cans.
WASHINGTON — Dear Donald,
We’ve known each other a long time, so I think I can be blunt.
You know how you said at campaign rallies that you did not like being identified as a politician?
Don’t worry. No one will ever mistake you for a politician.
After this past week, they won’t even mistake you for a top-notch negotiator.
I
was born here. The first image in my memory bank is the Capitol, all
lit up at night. And my primary observation about Washington is this:
Unless you’re careful, you end up turning into what you started out
scorning.
And you, Donald, are getting a reputation as a sucker. And worse, a sucker who is a tool of the D.C. establishment.
