Another insane goddamn day

By TheFerret

Well folks, while not quite up to standards of some of the more chaotic trips around the sun since the Marmalade Shartcannon took office, I hope everyone invested in fertilizer manufacturers, because today was another Bat Guano Nutty Day.

We all woke up and immediately checked in on that deleted scene from V FOR VENDETTA where the guy gets bloodied in the process of being dragged off an airplane by law enforcement for refusing to give up his seat when the airline wanted to give it to an employee on an overbooked flight after he'd already boarded.

Wait, what? That was real life? You're shitting me.

Anyhow, we all watched in awe as the brass at United took the, shall we say "novel" approach of blaming the dude they had the cops beat the shit out of for the ass-kicking they ordered to be administered to him.

In the background, maybe you saw some of the pieces that rounded up the responses to a PRIVATE FUCKING CORPORATION ENLISTING TAXPAYER FUNDED LAW ENFORCEMENT TO BEAT THE FUCK OUT A PRIVATE CITIZEN BECAUSE THEY APPARENTLY RESERVE THE LEGAL RIGHT TO TAKE BACK THE SEAT YOU PAID FOR AT ANY POINT PROBABLY UP TO AND INCLUDING THIRTY THOUSAND FEET ABOVE THE ROCKIES HOW THE FUCK DID WE LET IT COME TO THIS from supporters of the man we all pay to golf and periodically sign executive orders, and, surprise surprise, THEY TOOK THE AIRLINE'S SIDE. We didn't know just how much hunger there was in this country for a strong, sadistic, authoritarian state, did we? In related news, I'm launching a kickstarter to fund a series of dominatrix parlors in the Rust Belt. HILLBILLY ELEGY PART TWO, BITCHES.

Of course the same little Shartkins are apparently flocking to Bill O'Reilly's show, actually BOOSTING his ratings in the midst of the revelations that Fox has settled a number of sexual harassment suits against an old man who very clearly has to pay for sex. I tell you, folks, the Deplorable economy offers a number of unique opportunities. It's like "Well, I'm looking for someone to redo the shingles on my roof, but I'm hoping to hire somebody reprehensible. Do you have any multiple rapists on staff?"

And we all had a laugh that the congressman who is famous for screaming YOU LIE at President Obama going home to a town hall where a bunch of his constituents screamed YOU LIE at him, which has a fun sense of comeuppance to it. This congressman likely has a name, but I don't give a flying fuck what it is.

We learned that the Shart may have bombed Syria (or at least some useless gravel in Syria, since the Syrian military launched strikes from the base we bombed less than 24 hours after we hit it, can't these people even blow up a stationary target without fucking it up?) because his daughter told him to, which is a totally normal thing that happens in all developed countries with strong constitutional democracies. OR IS IT? Maybe Ivanka will get equally upset at all the children who were killed in the recent Mosul air strike or the botched Yemen raid, and Dorito Mussolini will order a strike on the perpetrators, without realizing exactly what he's done until the sandtrap on the 8th hole at Marmalago gets an unplanned expansion.

The President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard, our Yokel General, was all over the news again today. A couple of days back, he made it clear that he didn't want our Justice Department focusin' on no civil rights, and today he ordered them to instead focus all available energies on punishing brown-skinned people for the high crime of not being white. Much was made of how his prepared remarks used the word "filth" to describe his preferred targets, but how he declined to actually call them "filth" in the delivering of the speech. Because that's the state of the immigration debate in American today, right? Whether or not we call our fellow human beings "filth." Anyhow, Sessions got a good sturdy taint punt today when a federal judge struck down Texas' super-racist voter ID law just for being ridiculously super-racist. Because we still have to argue about poll taxes. In the United States of America. In the 21st century. Sleep tight. By the end of the day, Ol' Beauregard was assurin' the press that the cawngruss would mos' happily make Americuhns pay for that big 'ol border wall, because...well, because there's no reading test to run for the Senate in Alabama, I guess. After giving his last interview, Sessions returned to chewin' on an old shoe by the fireplace.

Rex Tillerson, who is our Secretary of State because he's a rich guy who...(shit, man, I need Mad Libs to finish that sentence because I've never found one halfway compelling reason this Oil Stooge was made our top diplomat) made some headlines by wondering aloud "Why should U.S. taxpayers be interested in Ukraine?" I'll tell ya, Rex, there are a lot of reasons American taxpayers don't want to see the world on fire, at the very least we should understand that we can't sell PAUL BLART: MALL COP DVDs to residents of a war-torn wasteland. (This was probably the moment the day tipped officially into madness for me. Just one year ago, a mind-bogglingly asinine statement like this from our chief diplomat would've been headline news, a major international scandal. Today, you probably didn't even notice it. It was on page twelve. You did the crossword, read your Garfield, and moved on.)

And then ALONG CAME SPICEY. Sean Spicer rode into the White House Press Room on a steam shovel and declared "today I will dig myself into the deepest hole in human history, and before the sun sets not even Jules Verne will be able to find me," and Sweet Christ did he deliver. The lead spokesman for the President of the greatest nation on Earth stood in front of the assembled media of the world and engaged in some light Holocaust denial ON FUCKING PASSOVER and for a minute we were all like "Of course he did, this is just what life is like now," but after a second we realized this was crazy shit even by our ever-plummeting standards. And poor Spicey squirmed and shifted, issuing clarifications that got edited every eleven seconds (no, I mean Hitler didn't kill his own people, he just killed Jews, NO WAIT, I mean he didn't gas innocent people NO WAIT I mean he gassed innocent people he just didn't drop gas on them, he invited them to HOLOCAUST CENTERS and we all have to thank him for introducing "Holocaust Center" to the culture lexicon, right?). And we all laughed until he issued an apology which is what any normal human being would do immediately, without hesitation, if they FUCKING DENIED THE HOLOCAUST ON PASSOVER.

Just when the madness was starting to take over, right when you're thinking about how you'd look with half a pound of pickled beets stapled to your face, WaPo breaks the story that the FBI obtained a FISA warrant to surveil Carter Page, a foreign policy advisor to Toupee Fiasco's (That one's not mine, but it's good, isn't it?) campaign. And then you noticed that WAIT HOLD ON WHAT DID YOU FUCKING SAY? A lot of wacky terms have been thrown around over the last few months, like "emoluments" and "Defending World Champion Chicago Cubs," but this is what the poet would call a Big Fucking Deal. You have to demonstrate to a FISA court that there is PROBABLE FUCKING CAUSE to believe that a dude is acting as a FUCKING AGENT OF A FOREIGN FUCKING POWER to get one of these things. And Carter Page, he of the Steele Dossier, he who was cultivated as an unwitting asset by Russian intelligence not so long ago, passed the test. Drip drip.

Before you even finished that article, you got your CNN push notification (God bless this era in which our news outlets compete to scoop one another with stories that undermine the Clowncar Full of Assholes that governs us) for the story showing that Devin "Pigfucker" Nunes essentially made his whole bullshit story up, between the fucking of various pigs. The CNN story featured a few quotes from Sebastian Gorka, which is surprising since his face melted off during the climax of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK.

By the end of the day, Bill O'Reilly announced that he was going on a vacation for a spell, which was totally planned all along and has nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that so many advertisers have ditched him that he has to shorten his show and broadcast ads from companies that convert your MP3 files into 8-track tapes and offer to take care of your pets after you've been raptured. Anyway, Bill O'Reilly's gonna go somewhere quiet and focus on just sexually harassing Bill O'Reilly for awhile, know what I mean?

And then SCROTUS made some surprisingly negative comments about Steve Bannon in an interview, downplaying his role in the campaign and suggesting he might not be around much longer. My Shart House sources tell me that upon hearing this news, Bannon shrieked and expelled ink on several aides through previously-undisclosed orifices.

Meanwhile there was a special election in Kansas' Fourth Congressional District to fill the seat vacated by Mike Pompeo, who left it to join the Dick Tracy rogue's gallery known as our President's cabinet. Despite being one of the safest GOP seats in the country, the Democratic candidate threatened to pull off an upset. How red is this district? Before Pompeo won the seat, Kansas' Fourth was represented for seven terms by a VHS copy of BEDTIME FOR BONZO (look it up). Anyhow, the republican won, but by a shockingly low margin, and folks, if a Berniecrat can get within 8 of getting a house seat in Wichita, KS, where it's illegal to make eye contact with a member of the opposite sex without a permission slip signed by at least 9 apostles, then we need to pour money into the upcoming special elections in Montana and Georgia, and the midterms are gonna be Little Bighorn 2.0.

There's more. There's really more. They're still engaged in a dick-measuring contest with North Korea, and trying to pass some version of their Let's All Murder the Poor, excuse me "Health Care" bill, and they're even fucking up the Easter Egg Roll (google it, seriously) but I am now tired, you're on your own.

In the end...shit be cray, folks. Shit be cray.

This post was brought to you by Big Earl's Holocaust Center and Water Park! Come on down to Big Earl's for all your Holocaust needs! Ten dollars off with specially marked Pepsi cans.