By Janet Allon
Jon Stewart takes a week off every once in a while and we are
consigned to watching his reruns for a fix, which is okay because they
stand up fairly well. It also gives us a chance to take a step back and
savor some of his finest insults. Stewart might have torn a page or two
from Shakespeare’s book—the bard was known to sling a good insult here
and there.
When Hamlet says, “They have a plentiful lack of wit,” and a
character in Coriolanus says, “More of your conversation would infect my
brain,” they could certainly be talking about Fox News.
Henry V’s
line: “Such antics do not amount to a man,” could certainly apply to
John Boehner or Ted Cruz, and “Thou mis-shapen dick,” seems tailor-made
for Scalia, Alito and Limbaugh. Take your pick.
But Stewart has
his own way with words (or he and his scribes do.) Too bad he took Hobby
Lobby week off, but let’s take a moment to remember some of his best
digs, some of which sound positively Shakespearean.
1. Sonnet to Rush Limbaugh:
“
Rush—The quivering rage heap who is apparently desperately trying to
extinguish any remaining molecule of humanity that might still reside in
the Chernobyl-esque superfund cleanup site that was his soul.”
2. Insult by metaphor:
''Fox News: You are the lupus of news.''
3. Ode to O’Reilly
''Here's
what you and your minions don't understand, O'Reilly. Your hell doesn't
scare me. I make my living watching Fox News eight hours a day. I'm
already in hell.''
4. Soliloquy on Fox:
''Fox
opposes a Syria peace plan because its modus operandi is to foment
dissent in the form of a relentless and irrational contrarianism to
Barack Obama and all things Democratic, to advance its ultimate
objective of creating a deliberately misinformed body politic whose
fear, anger, mistrust, and discontent is the manna upon which it
sustains its parasitic succubus-like existence.”
5. And in the role of the fool:
''Rick
Perry is what happens if Lex Luthor distilled down George Bush essence
in a laboratory and crossed it with gun powder and semen from the finest
thoroughbred in Lubbock, and then strapped that concoction onto a
nuclear missile and shot it into the f**king sun! And then, waited,
waited, waited, until one day, on the anniversarry of the Alamo, a solar
flare, yada yada yada, Rick Perry!''
6. The king in his lonely tower:
''Mitt
Romney calling the President 'detached and out of touch' is like a
multimillionaire who owns two mansions, six cars, and who thinks
'corporations are people, my friend' calling someone 'detached and out
of touch.'''
7. Michele Bachmann, one of the witches in MacBeth?
''Be
honest Newsweek, you used that photo in a petty attempt to make Michele
Bachmann look crazy. That's what her words are for.''
8. Wait, no, Bachmann’s not nearly clever enough to be a witch
''I gotta say, of all my issues with Michele Bachmann's brain, migraines are not even in the top 20.''
9. My kingdom for a horse?
''These
are troubled times, and we need a hero, someone unencumbered by
politics as usual. Someone who could kill a moose with one hand and skin
a bear with the other. Someone without a job. ... Yes! Like a ship
slowly appearing over the horizon to an island of castaways, Sarah Palin
has arrived with fresh food, clothing and that little box she keeps
next to her bed filled with crazy.''
10. Falstaffian excess?
''Either
he's getting ready to play an Indian in a 1950s Western, or John
Boehner is not human, but actually made entirely of cured meats.'
11. How the mighty have fallen
''Dick
Cheney and Karl Rove, once two of the most powerful men in this
country, are now suffering from Balzheimer's disease. Why didn't I see
it before? Balzheimer's is a terrible illness that attacks the memory
and gives its victims the balls to attack others for things they
themselves made a career of. There is no known cure.''
12. A rose by any other name would smell?
''Republicans
are no longer allowed to say that people are rich. You have to refer to
them as 'job creator'. You can't even use the word 'rich'. You have to
say, 'This chocolate cake is so moist and job creator.'''
13. The green-eyed monster doth mock:
''Must
be nice to be a Republican senator sometimes, because you get the fun
of breaking sh*t and the joy of complaining the sh*t you just broke
doesn't work.''
14. All’s well that . . . wait . . .
''I
view America like this: 70 to 80 percent [are] pretty reasonable people
that truthfully, if they sat down, even on contentious issues, would
get along. And the other 20 percent of the country run it. ''
15. O war! Thou son of hell!
''Yes,
the long war on Christianity. I pray that one day we may live in an
America where Christians can worship freely! In broad daylight! Openly
wearing the symbols of their religion... perhaps around their necks? And
maybe -- dare I dream it? -- maybe one day there can be an openly
Christian President. Or, perhaps, 43 of them. Consecutively.''
16. If you prick us, do we not bleed?
''Why
is it that if you take advantage of a tax break and you're a
corporation, you're a smart businessman, but if you take advantage of
something you need to not be hungry, you're a moocher?''