Posted By
Rude One
1. At the outset of the Republican
debate
on CNN last night, moderator Wolf "Rejoice in My White Stubble of
Journalistic Integrity" Blitzer informed the candidates, "You all have
different approaches to keeping the country safe. And that will be the
focus of tonight's debate." Yet for a debate on "the security of this
nation," the threats discussed were few and, frankly, exceedingly rare.
Chances are pretty damn good that you're never going to be attacked by a
radical Muslim extremist terrorist super-villain flying Godzilla or
whatever the fuck we're supposed to be afraid of.
In fact, most of the things that are actual threats to the vast majority
of Americans were either ignored or barely mentioned last night. Here's
a short list of Things That Are Way More Likely to Kill You Than Muslim
Terrorists or Hispanic Immigrants. These are the real threats to
national security:
a. Christian white men with guns. Hell, you could probably just say,
"All the fucking guns," and leave it at that. Not once did domestic
terrorism from white people get mentioned, and that's probably because
we still have a bizarre inability to label shit like Sandy Hook or the
Planned Parenthood shooting "terrorism." And gun deaths in general are
the security threat that Republicans dare not speak of.
b. Climate
change
is going to murder the fuck out of millions of people, barring drastic
action. And it is going to propel the citizens of poor nations to
ever-increasing acts of desperation, which will lead to more terrorism,
which we'll probably deal with by bombing the famine-fucked or drowning
nations.
c. Infrastructure collapsing around us. The Department of Transportation
estimates
that 14,000 people are killed annually due to shitty roads and bridges.
By the Rude Pundit's mystical mathematical abilities, that adds up
to...carry the three...a fuckload more people dying from the failure to
invest in infrastructure than from every terrorist attack on the U.S. in
the last, hell, let's say 100 years.
To his credit (yes, to his fucking credit), Donald Trump actually said,
referring to trillions of dollars wasted on the Iraq war, "I wish it
were spent right here in the United States, on our schools, hospitals,
roads, airports, and everything else that are all falling apart." And
Carly Fiorina immediately hiked up her skirt and took a piss all over
the sentiment: "That is exactly what President Obama said. I'm amazed to
hear that from a Republican presidential candidate." Yeah, fuck our
aging electrical grid and water systems. There are Muslims overseas who
need to taste American missile justice.
d. And, to his credit (yes, to his fucking credit), John "Shakey
Buckeye" Kasich said, "The first thing we better get going is
strengthening our economy, because if we don't have a strong economy, we
can't pay for all of this," which was one of the only times anyone
acknowledged that economic insecurity is an actual threat. Not a one of
the others even indicated that all the shit they wanna do would cost
barrels of cash that you're not gonna get from tax cuts.
So, really, you could say that the entire debate was theater. It was
like a bunch of high schoolers telling each other their favorite
creepypastas while sharing some cheap wine they stole from their moms.
Ooh, who's gonna scare us worse? Even though, at the end of the night,
Slender Man is fuckin' fake and drunk driving is real, but guess which
one they're afraid of?
2. The creepiest moment last night wasn't Chris Christie's giant,
scarred melon head staring directly at the camera. No, it was Ben Carson
comparing killing children in war to operating on children with tumors.
Asked by lipless, dead-eyed ghoul Hugh Hewitt if he could order air
strikes that "would kill innocent children by not the scores, but the
hundreds and the thousands," Carson said, as terrifyingly calmly as if
he were ordering a sandwich at Subway, "Well, interestingly enough, you
should see the eyes of some of those children when I say to them we're
going to have to open your head up and take out this tumor. They're not
happy about it, believe me. And they don't like me very much at that
point. But later on, they love me."
This led to applause from the barbaric crowd. Carson continued, "You
know, later on, you know, they really realize what's going on. And by
the same token, you have to be able to look at the big picture and
understand that it's actually merciful if you go ahead and finish the
job, rather than death by 1,000 pricks." In other words, Carson will
dispassionately bomb the fuck out of any country with no care about the
civilian casualties.
That's almost as scary as Ted Cruz's whole "Fuck everyone, I'm nukin'
shit" approach to war. And, between them, they're like 10,000 pricks
combined.
3. Poor Jeb Bush stands there looking like a fading porn star who keeps
getting cast in flicks even though he can't get a hard-on anymore. Oh,
sure, they use Cialis or fluffers to try to suck him into an erection,
but, in the end, he can only manage to slap his dick around a pussy for a
little while before he's too exhausted to continue. Everyone wonders
why the fuck he's still doing this, but he has nowhere else to go.
4. There's a level at which these candidates have gone beyond parody.
Christie tried to make Barak Obama and Hillary Clinton into some kind of
America-wrecking Decepticon, saying at the beginning, "America has been
betrayed. We've been betrayed by the leadership that Barack Obama and
Hillary Clinton have provided to this country over the last number of
years," and never really making another point besides that for the rest
of the debate. Someone ought to remind him that Obama was elected twice
by a pretty decent margin.
In particular, Christie was a fucking joke, preening and prancing for
the voters. In his opening remarks, he said, "The second largest school
district in America in Los Angeles closed based on a threat. Think about
the effect that, that's going to have on those children when they go
back to school tomorrow wondering filled with anxiety to whether they're
really going to be safe. Think about the mothers who will take those
children tomorrow morning to the bus stop wondering whether their
children will arrive back on that bus safe and sound. Think about the
fathers of Los Angeles, who tomorrow will head off to work and wonder
about the safety of their wives and their children."
First of all, you can bet the people of New Jersey thought, "Could you
spend a little fucking time thinking about us?" And, of course, there's
the fact that the whole thing was a hoax and that New York City got the
same fucking threat and decided it was pretty clearly bullshit, so it
wasn't actually a "threat." It was, more accurately, a "prank." And the
kids? Dude, those kids weren't traumatized by anyone but the desperate
politicians fanning a spark of anxiety into a full-fledged fear freakout
inferno.
And then there was Christie's pledge that he'd shoot down Russian planes
that crossed into any no-fly zone he established over Syria as
president. Rand Paul, once again playing the role of bullshit-detector,
pretty much destroyed Christie with a single line, "Well, I think if
you're in favor of World War III, you have your candidate."
5. In the end, the debate was not just a pathetic contest to see who
could make more Americans shit themselves in terror, but it was a night
of craven chest-thumping, trying to prove who would be the superhero to
stand firm and prevent the hordes of terrorists and immigrants and
Hottentots from overrunning the country.
They repeated the same shit over and over. Trump was the most over the
top with the tautology of his rhetoric, saying he wants to make America
great again so he can make America great again or something. Who knows
what the fuck that crazy motherfucker would really do other than lie to
us about how shit's out of control? He looked like he wanted to face
fuck Jeb, which was awesome.
Fiorina tried to show she's the cruelest motherfucker of the bunch.
Rubio tried to make up for his slightly less-savage view of immigration
(which Paul called "amnesty," even though it isn't close) by saying he'd
fuckin' kill everyone, he's a madman, you can't stop him. Kasich was
present.
Man, ISIS members must have been laughing their asses off.
6. The most telling thing of the night is how none of the candidates,
beyond Lindsey Graham at the junion debate, would say that something is
genuinely beyond the pale. Oh, sure, they'll dis Trump for his
bugfuckery on Muslim immigration. But not one of them would say that
anything is too much. None of them would dare say, "You know what? If
Donald Trump is the nominee, fuck it. I'll stay home on election day."
They don't have to say they'd vote for Hillary or Bernie. But have the
fucking balls to say that some things are so appalling that you can't
condone them.
For all the bluster last night, courage was sorely lacking.
7. Somewhere, there might be a country of cowards and murderers that the
GOP candidates can lead. Unfortunately, they're stuck with the United
States, which is nothing like that other country. And last night, the
Republicans could only smirk as they hate-fucked the nation to show them
who's boss.
