Posted By
Rude One
1. If the first night of the Republican National Convention is 
remembered for anything other than the insistent invocation of the 
United States as a scorched hellscape of a nation in the wake of the 
presidency of Barack Obama, a nation that is as much a fiction as a 
shining city on a hill ever was, it will be that the campaign of nominee
 Donald Trump exploited and embarrassed two women before tens of 
millions of people. 
2. The most appalling sight of the appalling evening
 was Pat Smith, mother of Sean Smith, who was killed in the attack on 
the U.S. consulate in Benghazi, Libya. Smith has long been on a tear to 
get at some kind of truth for her child's death over what she claims she
 was told by Hillary Clinton at a memorial for her son, that an 
anti-Muslim video caused the attack. Frankly, it doesn't matter if it 
was an anti-Muslim video, a planned terrorist attack, or goats with 
guns. None of those would bring back her son, but, hey, fuck that 
Hillary. So Trump had Smith go out and speak to the delegates, many of 
whom, probably drunk, started crying watching this obviously grieving 
and Valiumed to the gills woman try to make policy from her pain. Which 
was more disgusting is up for grabs. "I blame Hillary Clinton personally
 for the death of my son. That's personally," Smith said, as if Clinton 
had gone to Benghazi and put a bullet in her son's skull. But the blood lust was rising as outrage grew among the idiot hordes on the 
floor, an outrage that never fucking occurred at the Republican 
Convention in 2004 when the man who was president during the 9/11 
attacks took the stage. Smith put a bow on it by saying, "Hillary for 
prison. She deserves to be in stripes." Then she turned around, 
confused, wondering where she should go, lost, with seemingly no one to 
guide her away.
2a. Oh, wait. The most disgusting thing was that Donald Trump called into Bill O'Reilly's Crematorium of Reality on Fox "news" at the same time as Smith's speech, which meant that he wasn't even watching it.
3. It doesn't fucking matter if Melania Trump speaks six languages, as 
Trump lackeys kept telling us today. It doesn't fucking matter that she 
spoke at the convention without shitting herself, as if that was the 
measure of quality. Part of her generally terrible, platitudinous, 
vacuous speech was plagiarized. 
Purely and simply, two paragraphs of it came from Michelle Obama's 
amazing 2008 convention speech. Using my crazy English professor skills,
 I know from plagiarism. If a student had written that in my class, I 
would make them scrap that paper and start from scratch as punishment. 
(Others would look to have the student drummed out or at least fail the 
class, but I'm not a dick.) And the Trump campaign, which shouldn't have
 pushed Ms. Trump to speak when she reportedly didn't want to, which 
should have anally probed the speech for problems no matter who wrote 
it, should just admit it fucked up and stop trying to bend the truth to its will. That's totalitarian bullshit, man. That's 2+2=5 and you're a traitor if you think otherwise. 
3a. Bonus points to dunderheaded
 conservative commentator S.E. Cupp on CNN, who said of Melania Trump's 
speech, "I don't really see a bad ending to however this goes for her 
tonight." Punditry at its best.
4. But, honestly, the plagiarism is the least of the sins of the evening,
 which included parading out people whose loved ones were killed by 
undocumented immigrants. What the fuck are we supposed to do with that? 
Oh, hey, how about countering with the undocumented man who saved a 
young girl from abduction? Or the one who helped
 save the life of a 9 year-old boy in an auto accident in the desert? 
Those are children who likely would have been dead or seriously harmed 
without the intervention of an undocumented immigrant. Should they speak
 at the Democratic convention? No, because this whole fucking argument 
is dumb and besides the point. All Trump wanted to tell the idiot hordes
 on the floor and at home is that "illegal aliens" will fucking murder 
you where you sit because they are naturally evil.
4a. Let's not even talk about Chachi.
5. No one represented the insane asylum that is the modern GOP more than
 former New York City mayor and man most likely to send back a 
half-eaten steak and claim it wasn't properly cooked, Rudy Giuliani. 
Gesturing wildly, screaming, and jumping around like a pug on PCP, 
Giuliani warned us that the country has become something it quite 
demonstrably has not. "The vast majority of Americans today do not feel 
safe. They fear for their children. They fear for themselves," he said, 
and the only response is "Motherfucker, we're only afraid because you 
keep telling us to be afraid.  Crime is down, jobs are up, and more 
people can get medical care than ever. All the shit that's bad - income 
distribution, guns everywhere - that's on you Republican spoogerags." On
 and on Rudy went, in that man-cunt way of his,
 where everything is shit and Barack Obama is a fey demi-man who won't 
keep you safe and Hillary Clinton is a cold-blooded bitch who murders 
soldiers and only one man can save us from choking on our own vomit as 
we're raped by Muslims in our homes and that man is Donald Trump, who is
 qualified to do this because he got building plans past zoning 
commissions. Or something. Fucking ridiculous. 
6. We've got three more days of this. Three more days of hearing about 
how Benghazi was the worst crime in the U.S. history. Three more days of
 people trying to tell us that a bloated pile of shit topped with orange
 cotton candy is the superhero American needs. As we wallow in the 
easily understood plagiarism nonsense, we can ignore the racism, the 
xenophobia, the misogyny, the hate, emanating from the convention center
 like a shit smell from a diaper.
Part 1: The Motherfucker
The Fat Man strode onto stage at the Republican National Convention in 
Cleveland last night absolutely cocky in his Fat Man suit and tie. His 
job was one he relished like a corndog on the Seaside Heights boardwalk:
 to demonstrate that he could fuck mothers better than any other 
motherfucker in a whole convention center of them. The Fat Man declared 
himself the prosecutor in a case against Democratic presidential 
candidate Hillary Clinton.
Oh, how the Fat Man loved the attention, the adulation, as
 he lied
 and prevaricated and exaggerated Clinton's record as Secretary of 
State. God, how the Fat Man could have awkwardly reached under his 
stomach to jerk himself off as the idiot hordes chanted, "Lock her up," 
turning policy disagreements into high crimes, the better to tee up the 
inevitable impeachment hearings when Clinton is elected. The Fat Man 
used his accusations to dance and prance on the stage, the cruel Fool 
twisting this way and that, all this buffoonery for the enthralled 
rabble, eager to sate its 
bloodlust,
 and the pampered, primped family of Donald Trump sat in the gallery, 
looked on approvingly, as if all that was needed was a guillotine and 
the scene would be complete. 
The Fat Man obviously felt powerful in his motherfucker role, as if this
 was what he was always destined to do. He made logical leaps that were 
astonishing to behold, like when he misrepresented Clinton saying that 
Syria's president is "a reformer" and "a different kind of leader." It 
didn't matter at all that she was merely reporting what others had told 
her and that she was adopting a wait-and-see attitude. Oh, no. The Fat 
Man decided that was enough to imply that Clinton was partly responsible
 for the deaths of 400,000 people in Syria. Clinton, according to the 
Fat Man, is the nexus of all evil around the world, from Nigeria to Cuba
 to China.
The Fat Man was just the mightiest fucker of mothers of an evening spent
 fucking mothers. Prior to him, Clinton had been accused of causing the 
Benghazi deaths, of essentially intentionally leaking classified 
information through her email server, of attacking women that had been, 
according to a cruel woman 
earlier,
 allegedly "sexually abused" by Bill Clinton. Outside, in just the last 
few days, there have been calls for Hillary Clinton to be 
hanged or 
shot. 
To the Fat Man, the cruel woman, all the other motherfuckers, in 
Cleveland and elsewhere, one has to ask: What the fuck do you think you 
know? Seriously, what special knowledge about Hillary Clinton do you 
have that no one else seems to have? No, really. What do you know that 
multiple congressional committees, for 25 years, including ones led by 
Republicans, multiple investigations from the FBI, and multiple 
independent counsels don't know? You read some shit on a website. Every 
fucking time that someone has attempted to even get Hillary Clinton 
charged with a crime, it has failed once the facts were clearly 
ascertained. If you're holding back some super-secret piece of evidence 
that fucking Kenneth Starr, Rick Lazio, and Trey Gowdy couldn't find, 
then you better get that out now. Otherwise, just admit that you've got 
jack shit to back up anything you're saying. But you won't. Because 
you're motherfuckers, and you'd rather just keep fucking mothers than 
pretend there's anything like "truth."
Part 2: The Prick
Without a doubt, Donald Trump, Jr. is a douchebag prick. Only douchebag 
pricks proudly shoot down elephants and display their cut-off tails as 
trophies. And only a douchebag prick could get up there to give a speech
 with his greasy, slicked-back hair and try to make himself sound like 
he comes from a humble background when, really, he is just the prick 
prince in a kingdom of pricks. Look at the shit he said, like when he 
tried to Horatio Alger his father's story: "When people told him it was 
impossible for a boy from Queens to go to Manhattan and take on 
developers in the big city, rather than give up, he changed the skyline 
of New York." Yeah, it was really fucking hard for a millionaire with 
shitloads of connections from his developer father to become a 
developer. 
Or look at this: "The other party gave us public schools that far too 
often fail our students, especially those who have no options. Growing 
up my siblings and I, we were truly fortunate to have choices and 
options that others don't have. We want all Americans to have those same
 opportunities." 
This little prick went to the Hill School in 
Pennsylvania, which doesn't take vouchers and costs $35-55,000 a year, 
depending on if you board there. To pretend that "all Americans" would 
be able to get an $8,000 voucher and go to Hill is absurd. It's a fucking
 lie from a prick.
You want to know where the game is? You want to know the big lie in 
Junior's seemingly populist speech? It's when he attacked the Dodd-Frank
 Act, which imposed some regulation on the financial services industry. 
Junior said that it was a thousand pages long and that "What it does is 
destroy small business in favor of big businesses, who can afford the 
vast number of lawyers and accountants needed to comply." Except, of 
course, for all the 
protections
 in the actual law that help small businesses. Getting rid of it will 
only enrich the Wall Street pricks who probably giggle when Donald and 
Junior mock them.
And he ended with one other line that gave away the whole sham. In his 
big finish exhorting everyone to bow down to his father, Junior said, 
"When we elected him, we'll have done all that, we'll have made America 
great again, greater than ever before." All by himself, just by putting 
his ass into a chair in the Oval Office, America will become great. No 
work needed. Just a sign on what will no doubt be rebranded, "The Trump 
White House."
By the way, the prick also told an 
adviser
 to John Kasich, when they offered the vice-presidency to the Ohio 
governor, that the VP would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy.
 What would Trump be in charge of? "Making America great again," Junior 
said. 
The chanting idiot hordes and larger idiot hordes of voters don't give a
 fuck about democracy. They want a king who can simply clap his hands 
and make what is not real into reality, or at least the reality he tells
 them it is.  They want a myth and they want to kill or jail anyone who 
tries to get in the way of their myth. The faithful shall not be denied 
their reward of a great America, even if they have to destroy America to
 get it.
Yesterday, over on the 
Twitter machine, I made a simple suggestion to Texas Senator Ted Cruz.
Couching it in terms of his crushingly awful
 performance as Samuel Parris in 
The Crucible
 when he was a student at Harvard, I asked Cruz to think about John 
Proctor in Arthur Miller's play about a man standing firm on principles 
against forces that want him to abandon them and give in to their power.
 Proctor doesn't, and he is executed for refusing to lie about himself. I
 asked Cruz to think about who the Devil is in his life and what he 
should do about it.
And then, last night, lo and behold, Cruz walked up to the snack table 
at the Republican's party and took a giant dump in the punch bowl while 
everyone screamed at him to stop. 
Yeah, after a pretty boilerplate right-wing Republican speech - blah, 
blah, Hillary sucks, blah, blah, blah, Constitution, yadda, enemies, 
whatever - Cruz ended by 
exhorting
 the idiot hordes to "vote your conscience," which the delegates took 
not only as a non-endorsement of nominee Donald Trump but outright 
heresy, with screams of "Traitor" and "Honor the pledge" and "Fuck you."
Trump himself appeared to gaze, like an angry toad,
 on the chaos as his minions egged it on and his horrible family looked 
on. Cruz's wife, Heidi, derided as ugly in something Trump re-tweeted, 
had to be escorted out lest the idiot hordes rip her limb from limb. 
Cruz wiped his ass on the tablecloth, perhaps while looking the toad 
straight in his eyes, and strode away. And nobody really gave a dry 
mouse shit about Newt Gingrich telling us about his night terrors or 
Mike Pence's lumbering monologue about how Trump will Trump you with his
 Trumpiness or that Scott Walker even exists.
This morning, Cruz met with the Texas 
delegation,
 most still wearing their dumb ass cowboy hats. At first, Cruz tried to 
walk a line. He coyly asked why anyone would boo for him saying, "Vote 
your conscience" (a line that the Hillary Clinton
 campaign
 took and ran with). He said he wouldn't speak negatively about Trump, 
but that Trump hadn't earned his vote yet, and, oh, no, he won't vote 
for Hillary. But then the questions started and the smarmy, faux-chummy 
facade cracked. "I am not in the habit of supporting people who attack 
my wife and attack my father," Cruz said, and in that moment his heart 
grew three sizes and his spine unbent to make him completely upright. He
 would not be "a servile puppy dog" to Trump, he said. And when he 
asked, " Can anyone imagine our nominee standing in front of voters 
answering questions like this?" he wasn't talking about answering 
questions period. He meant answering them with forthrightness, clarity, 
and honesty. 
For an example, look at Trump's 
interview in the 
New York Times
 about foreign policy, where he said, among other terrifying shit, that 
he would shit-can agreements with NATO if the other countries didn't pay 
protection money to the United States, as if somehow a stable Europe 
isn't in America's best interest. Here, though, is the exact quote from 
the transcript: "If we cannot be properly reimbursed for the tremendous 
cost of our military protecting other countries, and in many cases the 
countries I’m talking about are extremely rich. Then if we cannot make a
 deal, which I believe we will be able to, and which I would prefer 
being able to, but if we cannot make a deal, I would like you to say, I 
would prefer being able to, some people, the one thing they took out of 
your last story, you know, some people, the fools and the haters, they 
said, 'Oh, Trump doesn’t want to protect you.' I would prefer that we be
 able to continue, but if we are not going to be reasonably reimbursed 
for the tremendous cost of protecting these massive nations with 
tremendous wealth — you have the tape going on?"
That's some Mafia shit right there. 
"I would prefer to offer you my good
 graces, but you must be willing to pay what I ask and kiss my ring. And
 then my ass." And it's expressed in almost Palin-esque gibberish. Dumb 
fuck. And you're a dumber fuck if you support him after that. No, fuck 
that. You're a terrible human being if you support Donald Trump, and you
 deserve every bad thing that would happen to you if he's elected.
Not Ted Cruz, though. He stood there and taunted the idiot hordes. And it was a thing of beauty. 
Now you, dear, dear liberal, may feel conflicted about feeling even an 
inkling of positivity towards Ted Cruz. 
After all, he is an asshole, a 
son of a bitch, a dick, a fart in human form, and lots of other things 
rolled into one odious, annoying package. He believes appalling things, 
about abortion, about voting rights, about LGBT rights, about...well, 
pretty much everything. But let's not care about that for a moment. 
Let's not care that Cruz might be positioning himself for 2020. Fuck 
2020. And let's not care about any of the spin from the Trump campaign, 
which is trying to make itself seem so magnanimous by allowing Cruz to 
speak. Let's just not give a shit about that.
In this moment, Cruz is Cersei Lannister taking out the High Septon. He 
is William Munny gunning down Little Bill. He is Walter White rescuing 
Jesse. An awful person can rise to the moment to do something good, to 
do away with those worse than them. You don't have to like them. You 
don't have to get all warm and fuzzy. 
You can sit back with a drink and say, "I'd rather have a narcissistic 
motherfucker working for me than against me, even if it's just this 
once."
If I could pinpoint one thing in Donald Trump's sweaty, screechy, 
masturbatory "Tales of American Armageddon" last night that might 
actually give other Republicans pause, as they figure out how to deal 
with a presidential nominee who has tossed out many of their most 
cherished beliefs, it would be this: One word that was conspicuously 
absent from 
the speech was "Congress."
At no point in the entire exhausting, tedious, repetitious series of 
barks and growls did Trump say he would go to Congress to ask for 
something. Not once did he even hint that he understood that he couldn't
 just clap his wee hands and make it so. In fact, everything in his 
acceptance speech was pointedly about how he and only he can solve the 
problems in the country. "I am your voice," he said, twice, along with 
"I will be your champion" and "I will restore law and order to our 
country." That last one was followed by an unscripted, emphatic "Believe
 me. Believe me." On it went: "I am going to bring jobs" to various 
states; "I am not going to let companies move to other countries;" and 
more. Even worse, "I alone can fix it." If Barack Obama had said that 
one night, he'd've been lynched before sunrise by conservatives for 
being a tyrant.
What is going to happen if Trump
 is elected and Democrats in the Senate block a bill to build the stupid
 border wall? Or a bill to change the Affordable Care Act? What is he 
going to do? Trump would say that he'll make deals with them, as if that
 never occurred to President Obama, who gave Republicans nearly 
everything they asked for in many negotiations while still getting 
stabbed in the gut by them when it was time to vote.
Senators have a 
long memory, and Democrats will want payback. So what will Trump do? 
He'll do what his idiot hordes demand, up to and including violence. 
Because when you have a cult of personality, the leader of that is the 
only thing that matters. You have to believe whole-heartedly in him and 
support even his most heinous acts because that's easier than admitting 
you're wrong. You would rather pretend that a crass, bourgeois piglet is
 a man of the people than face the reality that he's just a puny, 
pampered pig.
You can find fact 
checks
 of all the lies in a speech that Trump promised would be filled with 
"facts." You could drive yourself mad trying to get your mind around so 
much of the shit he said. For instance, apparently, Hillary Clinton is 
the alpha and omega of all bad things going on in the world.
Egypt 
turmoil? Hillary. Iraq? Hillary. Hot Lebanese dude didn't message you 
back on Grindr? Hillary. In fact, Clinton is such an evil genius and 
agent of destruction that we'd better elect her before she has us all 
killed.
And Trump went further than any of the fear mongers before him in 
portraying the United States as a nightmare, a lawless landscape of 
rampant crime (which is really down), cops being gunned down (fewer than
 ever), and undocumented immigrants murdering the fuck out of us (very 
rarely). The world itself is falling to pieces (despite it being one of 
the most 
peaceful
 periods in the planet's history). Every one of Trump's assertions is 
factually wrong. That's not just an opinion. Facts, actual numbers, 
something that Trump is very fond of mentioning, bear that out. But, no,
 the whole place is turning to shit, according to Trump. The only 
solution Trump offered is Trump. Trump will make it all better. All you 
gotta do is vote him in. Then America will be great again. He'll do it 
all by himself. 
Or maybe, just maybe, this is the con: You make everyone believe that 
the world is turning to shit and then when you're elected, you just 
change the spin. "Oh, hey, look, crime is way down," you say, not even 
hinting that it was down before you were elected. "Oh, hey, look, my 
strategy on ISIS worked," you say, not mentioning that it was headed 
that way anyways. "Oh, hey, look, I've put into place a nearly two-year 
process for incoming refugees," you announce, leaving out that that's 
how it's been for a long time. See how easy it is to make America great 
again? You just start saying it is and then, racist blinders off, 
everyone looks around and says, "Well, shit, things really are pretty 
good." And for shit that wasn't getting done because Republicans 
wouldn't let it get done, like child care and infrastructure spending, 
hell, all of a sudden, the GOP will be the biggest fan of funding 
bridges and roads. 
And who gets all the credit? Not the nigger president
 who obviously fucked it all up because he's such a nigger. All 
accolades go to Trump. 
Along those lines, I have a theory about how we got here. I call it the 
"Nigger Rejection Theory." See, lots of white people have staked a great
 deal of their identity and political beliefs on the notion that 
whiteness is superior to any other race. Niggers aren't good for 
anything other than basic shit. Sure, sure, black people could entertain
 them, in movies, music, and sports. Those niggers are fine because they
 exist only as images and they don't have a day-to-day effect on the 
lives of these white people. However, along comes Barack Obama, and he's
 not only president, but he's pretty good at it. In fact, the nigger 
president succeeded in making the lives of these white people better 
than they were under the last white president. 
They simply couldn't reconcile that. These white people all of sudden 
found themselves with health insurance, many with jobs, most with lower 
taxes, and it all happened because of the nigger president. What can you
 do? You can either admit that your life-long, family-passed-down 
prejudices are completely wrong and that niggers can do lots of things, 
including leading the free world. Or you just go into complete denial 
because you just can't stand to give a nigger credit. Now, here is 
Trump, telling you that everything is wrecked and it's all turning to 
shit and, well, fuck, that sounds good because it makes the nigger and 
his cunt sidekick look bad. 
Goddamn, it must feel good to have to give up on a challenging thought and just get your primal racism nerve massaged.
The greatest slap in Obama's face in the whole Nazi rally was when the 
idiot hordes started chanting, "Yes, you will" at Trump. It was the 
bizarro version of "Yes, we can," Obama's campaign rallying cry. Obama 
was saying that we all needed to work together and, even if you think, 
like I do, that he didn't ask us to do enough, at least he was including
 us. For Trump and the idiot hordes gazing up at his bloated visage, 
framed
 in gold, no such effort is needed beyond making sure that their godhead
 gets into office. All good things will pour from that. Trump is like 
the high school asshole guy who tells a girl that giving blow jobs will 
improve her complexion. No, it won't. All she'll end up with is a 
mouthful of jizz and a satisfied jerk going home.
Almost a year ago, I 
joked that
 "Kneel before Zod" was Trump's guiding principle. Now it appears that 
that will be his governing policy. 
If none of this scares you, then you 
are too fucking dumb to breathe, but you'll still vote.  And if the 
media makes this into just another day at the races, then we should all 
invest in kneepads.