Ted Cruz Wishes Obama And Hillary Would Stop Forcing Him To Be A Dick All The Time

By Doktor Zoom

Also refuses to take ex-lax

Back in July, it was kind of a big deal when Ted Cruz called Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell a big ol’ liar from the tip of his tail to the top of his carapace. This was not only politically unwise, seeing as how you might want to get along with the leader of the legislative body you’re in (at least until you “become president” ha-ha), it was also arguably a violation of Senate Rules, which like Wonkette’s rules, insist that members not be total dicks to each other. Only they use fancy words like “impugn the integrity” of another senator, which is enough to allow for a duel reprimand.

That July incident came up again in a CNN interview Thursday, when Dana Bash noted that some senators — ones that people have heard of, not just semi-invisible ones like Idaho’s Jim Risch — might consider endorsing Cruz if he’d just man up and apologize for being an asshole to McConnell last summer. And maybe all the other times he’s treated the Senate as his personal Assholitorium, but especially that one. So hey, Ted Cruz, Bash asked, would you apologize? Instead of apologizing, Ted Cruz explained why everyone hates Washington: Because Barack Obama ruined everything.

You know what, Dana? This is why people are so frustrated with Washington. It’s the inside battles back and forth. This isn’t a game. This isn’t about Washington power brokers. This isn’t a smoke-filled room. If we want to turn the country around, let me tell you who should apologize. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton should apologize to the American people.

That clarifies a lot! Ted Cruz was an asshole to Mitch McConnell, and that’s why Americans are sick of all these inside Washington games that power brokers play. When will Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton apologize?

Bash tried again, swimming upstream against the wordvomit spewing from the most punchable mouth in North America: “You called Mitch McConnell a liar, not them –” But Cruz was rolling, and damn, he’s mad at how Obama and Clinton forced him to call Mitch McConnell a backroom lie-smoker broker!

They should apologize to the American people for seven years of economic stagnation, for people seeing jobs going overseas, for wages stuck. Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton should apologize to all the single women who’ve been forced into part-time jobs because of Obamacare!

One might even go so far as to say he was avoiding the question altogether. But vehemently, so we’d have to say he made his point in a big way. Pity he was lying about the economy being stagnant, what with all the job growth since Obama took office:

More jobs is a GOOD thing, right?

Bash tries, gamely, to bring the topic back to maybe Ted Cruz making nice with other senators, so they might consider endorsing the friendless bastard. The hell with that, Cruz says, he wants nothing to do with Washington, except having the top job there:

Bash: No apology to Mitch McConnell? Because it could help you.
Cruz: My focus is not on Washington. That ain’t going to happen. And if Washington lobbyists want the see that happen, they can hold their breath a long, long time. My focus is on the American people and uniting Republicans behind a shared values and a shared vision.

Um. Ted. Mitch McConnell isn’t a lobbyist. You didn’t accuse lobbyists of lying to your face (and if they do, that’s their job). The senators who say they might back you if you apologized aren’t lobbyists, either. How the hell are you going to unite Republicans, who almost universally can’t stand you? Even the ones who’ve “endorsed” you? Still, while he’s not going to apologize to Mitch McConnell until Barack Obama apologizes for downgrading Pluto from a planet, while four brave Americans died at Benghazi, Cruz is willing to at least give some credit to McConnell and some of those other people in the Senate, even though he no longer bothers with Washington:

Now I will tell you this. I am happy to praise Mitch McConnell and praise him effusively for his stand, along with Chuck Grassley, saying we are not going to hold hearings on a replacement for Antonin Scalia. Mitch McConnell is doing the right thing. Chuck Grassley is doing the right thing. I’m proud to commend them. I’ve done so publicly many times. They’re saying Justice Scalia’s replacement should be made by the next president.

Also, Ted Cruz loves his wife. Will Barack Obama apologize for his endless slurs against Heidi Cruz and the American people, which have cost jobs, and left us weak in the eyes of our enemies? Also, when will Obama apologize for that thing on Cruz’s upper lip?

[CNN via Daily Kos]